Life in the Fug Lane

Do you ever have those days, weeks, or even sometimes months when you do not feel so hot? I do not mean that you are cold or sick, but that you just feel unattractive? I tend to think I am an okay looking gal but lately I am thinking twice about my initial thoughts on that. Let’s delve further.

I recently decided to color my hair darker. It is an all over hair color that is a mix between blonde and brown (bronde or blown I like to call it) but it just does not seem like me. My stylist did exactly what I told her to and she did an amazing job but I just do not think the color fits my personality and here is why: people have said that it looks sophisticated as well as very natural. Hmmm…I do not want to look sophisticated (unless it is those librarian types from the “adult” movies) nor do I want to look natural. I like the blonde highlights and the fact that it looks like I get my hair did. Is that bad? Plus I already know I am sophisticated lady. Bottom line is that I have an appointment next week to add some spunk to my look. Plus, my boyfriend said it looked the same color as my skin so I was growing skin hair. He is so sweet! He really is actually, but after me questioning my hair and after him telling me 50 times I looked beautiful I asked for the truth, and that is what I got. Hopefully this will help me feel a little hotter. Hair…check!

Next I am feeling a little pastey. Some of you may not know but I used to be an avid visitor of the tanning bed in high school, college, and even some time after. If you do not believe me ask me to check out my driver’s license. I look two gold chains short of a New Jersey accent. Not wanting to add melanoma to my list of illnesses, I decided to quit tanning as well as always putting on at least SPF15 all over when I am in the sun or at the pool. Now what do I do? I feel all like that guy from the movie Powder but without the whole mysterious thing going on, at least that made him cool. He even bagged himself a chick. I do not have that cute pinky-pale skin either; some people can get away without a tan because they have some other hues in their skin. When I am pale I turn a slightly yellow bland color that makes me look like I have Jaundice (I first misspelled this and spell check pulled up gonads, haha! Read that again and put in gonads. Ha!). I have that self tanner stuff but then I look all orange. What to do!?

Next, we will move to the wardrobe. If you do not already know, I just moved. I am getting my very own closet built, lucky me, but while the contractor is contracting I am living out of boxes. I cannot find anything! I managed to have a decent outfit on today but I didn’t even notice the side zipper on my dress broke so I was letting my good and tasty’s hangout all over the office. Not only that, I have not been shopping in months. I spend all my money on Mexican food and Britney Spears CDs. I am trying to save up to buy adult stuff like furniture, home décor, and a Hoveround. Maybe once I have all my clothes nicely hung up in my new closet I will feel better. In the meantime all I can find to wear is old boxer shorts, patent red leather heels, and a XXL shirt that I have been painting in that says Gilbert Arizona with a big flag on it. If that doesn’t make me feel pretty I do not know what will. I feel like the “mista mista” lady from Happy Gilmore.

I am hoping that once I start unpacking I notice that little elves have replaced all my old clothes with new ones. If that doesn’t happen I guess since I have not seen my clothes for awhile it will be like they are new. All I can say is that there might be a trip to the mall in my future.

Finally, I think I have gained a few. I thought I would have lost weight from all the moving and painting I have been doing but I guess eating chili cheese fries and strawberry shakes do not normally lead to weight loss. Plus, I am about to have pizza for the 3rd night in a row tonight, and I do not even really like pizza that much. When you are busy it is just too hard to eat healthy. I have emailed my personal trainer and I told him not to hold back during my workouts. So hopefully I will be bathing suit ready soon. I also started yoga-ing it yesterday. I have to say that I am pretty good for my first time in awhile. We will just have to see how bendy I become. Namaste.

So, basically I am feeling two kinds of fug these days. Do you ever have those days or weeks where you do not feel so hot? Do you have any ideas to help me out of my slump? I am destined to feel all kinds of hotness again!!

Happy Groundhog Day!!!!

So I was walking into work this morning with one of my friends and we realized that it was Groundhog Day. I do not remember really ever being excited about Groundhog Day, yet I am always curious if the little guy from Punxsutawney will see his shadow. I suppose if I lived in a place that was blanketed by snow I would care more but living in 70 degree weather in January just doesn’t constitute a real need for winter to go away. If it were up to me I would prefer this all year round instead of my face and butt cheeks simultaneously being melted off with the combination of the scorching leather seats in a car and the initial air coming from the air conditioner that mistakenly feels like the devil himself is breathing in my face. This reminds me of something, all of you kids from Phoenix will appreciate this. Remember the old school playgrounds with the metal slides and chain link
swings? What Einstein thought it was a fantastic idea to make a playset for small children made of metal when the heat in Phoenix reaches over the 110’s? …And why did our parents buy them for us? Hey hunny, why don’t you take little Jimmy outside to play on the swingset I spent 100 hours putting together from a million different parts for him. I think he really enjoys the skin being melted from his tiny arse and little legs.

Anyhoo, all of this Groundhog Day stuff got me thinking about a fantastic movie that was made in the 90’s called, ironically, Groundhog Day. This movie is very funny and every time I see it I still think each time he wakes up it might be, it just might be, February 3rd. But no, it is not, I shed a tear then laugh all over again because Bill Murray and his shenanigans crack my moose up. (Crack my moose up – my manager’s 5 year old daughter is super cute and came in one day and apparently I am ridiculously funny because she told me I crack her moose up. I loved that phrase so much that I stole it. I figure we are pretty much at the same maturity level.) It is kind off like reliving that horrible interception from the Superbowl last night. Every time I saw replays of Harris running the ball down for a 100 yard touchdown, I kept thinking the outcome might in some way be different. To my dismay it was not. (Poo on you Steelers! They play dirty and not in the good way…don’t mess with me Ward, I got your number!! What what!)

Well, it got me and my friend thinking about what happened to Andie McDowell? Remember her? She was in every romantic comedy for years. She always played the extremely unattainable average chick. She had poofy hair like Elaine from Seinfeld and a big gummy smile. (I have an issue with big gums. I know people cannot help it, but all the same, it sort of creeps me out.) Where has she been? I mean, she was not the best actress I have ever seen but it is weird that one second you are in every single movie then fall off the face of the earth. Andie McDowell where art thou? We are in need of your crappy underacting!!! Who do you think is this generation’s Andie McDowell? Kate Hudson? She is definitely a better actress and prettier…hmmmmm. Cameron Diaz? She kind of sucks…hmmmmm. Katherine Heigl? She’s alright…seems a little snotty but alright…hmmmmm. Only time will tell!

Happy Groundhog Day!!!

Boos and Woo Hoos!!!!!

Since it is New Year’s Eve today I thought it was appropriate to take a cue from all the radio stations and TV networks out there and discuss my favorite (Woo Hoo!) and least favorite (BOO!) things of 2008. Feel free to agree or disagree with me and I would love to hear what your list would look like!

Boo!!! This stuff stinks.

1. Hancock. I was very excited to see this movie but somewhere in the middle of the film it took a very bad turn. I will not spoil it for those who have not seen it but those of you who have, know what I am talking about. It could have been a really good one too.

2. Mylie Cyrus. If I have to hear one more time about how this 15 year old girl is sending nudey photos of herself to young boys I am going to vom. She is 15 (now 16)! Plus, she is supposed to be a role model to all these young girls who love Hanna Montana. You guys thought Britney was bad, wait until this one gets older.

3. The Hills. What the heck is this crap? I mean, I admit I used to watch Laguna Beach but this show is so staged how they can call it reality baffles me. I think if they had just left it alone it would have been better. I am guilty of catching it every now and then when nothing else is on. Hey, at least I am honest

4. ASU Football. I am embarrassed to be alumni and have to endure each football season. Every year I am disappointed but this year was the worst. Why do they even get ranked? They always blow it and this year when they lost to UNLV just started a downward spiral. At least Carpenter will be gone.

5. Writer’s Strike. I had to resort to getting sucked into every stupid VHI Celebreality show on TV because there was no new sitcoms or dramas to watch. I also think some of my favorite shows got canceled due to it. Boo on you!

6. 1st Photo Radar ticket. Hey, at least it was a cute picture.

7. Digital Rap Voice. Does anyone know how to rap anymore? I mean every song has this creepy digital voice. TPain started all of this and it was cool in one song but now there are a herd of digital douches out there. Is that really all the talent out there these days? So annoying! Notorious and 2Pac por vida homies.

8. The Mom Bob. One girl in probably Kansas or Wisconsin got an asymmetrical bob and now everyone has the mom bob. Not everyone looks cute with a shaved neck and longer hair to their chin. You all look like soccer moms!!!! Not even the hot ones.

9. The Dirty. Okay, I love this website and the fact that it makes fun of people that try to be so cool when they really are douchenuggs but now I am so scared to go out anywhere in Oldtown. As most of you know I frequented Oldtown back in my heyday and actually love the nightlife (I love to boogie) but even the slightest chance my big boo-tay or real tatas (nice I might add) may end up on a website to be scrutinized scares me. Plus, I do not try to act cool, I know I am not cool. I actually do the opposite. I see how goofy, retarded, and completely embarrassing I can be rather than see how many dudes want to hop on the Krista train. WOO WOO!! We all know there would not be enough room for all of them anyway.

10. The Election. It wasn’t even the outcome but the fact that everywhere you turned you could not get away from it. Also, do not assume everyone under the age of 35 is a Democrat. I have been offended several times due to the fact everyone just assumes I am a Dem because I am young. Maybe it is because I do not feel like I have to push my views or make fun of people that do not party in my party. So in another 4 years, I hope you will try to be kind to your fun loving Republicans. Trust me, we are not ALL bad! I have some great friends that are Dems and they are awesome because they do not make me feel bad for what I believe and vice versa. We agree to disagree. Use some tact people.

Woo Hoo! I loves it!!

1.Youtube. I know this phenomenon has been around for awhile but I never really caught on until now. It is so cool! I love when I am in my cube coma and someone sends me an awesome clip. Some of my faves are: Hamster on a Piano, Montgomery Flea Market, PowerThirst, Tickle Me Emo, MadTV does Project Runway, Dramatic Chipmunk and Karaoke Fail (We can go on a secret rondayboo!). Oh yeah, and WHAT WHAT!! The Samuel version and the Butters version. So good! Oh Youtube, however would I get through the day without you?

2. Rock Band. I was late with this one too but it is so fun. I love having friends over and rockin out in my virtual band Unagi! If you have never played you need to make it your New Year’s resolution.

3.HIMYM. That is slang for How I Met Your Mother. If you have yet to see this show you have no idea what you are missing. My sister got me hooked on this show. You need to give it at least 3 episodes in a row and you will be hooked. My sister kept telling me it was good and I was always “It is alright.” But once I watched the 1st season DVDs it quickly became Legend wait for it Dary!! I have the first 2 seasons if you want to borrow them. I think this show is going to become crazy popular soon so you can say you watched it before everyone else. I know I can because I have been watching for sometime now! It is witty, funny, and ridiculous and with its flashbacks and flash forwards it keeps you watching closely. You will not be disappointed. ***Also check out Big Bang Theory that airs before HIMYM. It is about a bunch of geeks and is pretty hilarious.

4. Britney Spears. Okay, okay. I know! Everyone thinks she is crazy and hates her music. If I had a dollar for everyone that tells me how little talent she has I would no longer have to work. I am not skerred to admit that I am a fan. I love her! (my sister would kill me right now.) She is an entertainer and I cannot help to bop to the beat of her music. It reminds me of hanging out on the town with my friends and always puts me in a happy mood. It helped me invent my car dancing moves and no I am not embarrassed to do them alone. I am so happy that she is having a comeback. She looks better, she has a new album that went to #1 and she is staying out of controversy. Way to go Brit!

5. Babies. There are babies seeping out of the walls right now. Everyone I know is having babies, just had a baby, or is trying to have a baby. It is so fun and exciting to see people starting their families. I have never been a big fan of babies or children because frankly I have never really been around them so this should be interesting. I have a feeling I am going to learn a lot and maybe even learn to like the little boogers.

6. The Secret. I know you have probably heard of this or seen it on Oprah but it is not as cheesy at it looks. I am pretty skeptical of things but once I read this book I could not help to think that they may have something here. If anything it teaches you not to think negatively about yourself or others and to think positively. Cannot go wrong with that!

7.Tights. I love that I see girls and women wearing them everywhere. They look so cute with a sweater dress or skirt. I even have some of my own (Thanks VA). Get some and you can be cool like me :)

8. Wednesdays. I do not have to work. I love that I have the option to work 4/10 hour days and I get every Wednesday off. The days are long but that one day I get off is completely worth it. I sleep in, grocery shop with the blue hairs, and watch all my shows I recorded snuggled on my couch. Plus, I never work more than 2 days in a row, think about…yeah…awesome!

9. Barry the cat. I know you all know I got a cat but did I mention he is the coolest cat of all time? He talks to me, cuddles with me, plays with me, and isn’t creepy and weird like a normal cat. I love that I have a fuzzy little pet to greet me when I get home. He loves me, what can I say?

10. Washington DC. Oh my goodness, this place is amazing! My sister moved to the DC area about a year ago so I finally went out to visit her family in October. This city surpassed all the positive things I had heard about it. I went to Manassas, Mt. Vernon, Arlington Cemetery, Archives building, Holocaust Museum, Spy Museum, Natural History Museum, Capitol Building, Lincoln Memorial, Korean War Memorial, Vietnam Memorial, National Monument, The National Cathedral, Great Falls, and Georgetown just to name a few. I love to learn and this was the most I have ever learned in such a short time. I love that I have now seen all the things that are always in movies and on TV with my own eyes. The appreciation I have for my country and those who fought and founded it doubled. If you have never been, I say you need to book your tickets now! The bonus of it all is that all the museums are free. It was truly amazing, not to mention that I had gracious hosts/tour guides, fantastic sangria and doggles to snuggle with.

***2008 colliding with 2009 Honorable Mention: The Arizona Cardinals are going to the playoffs. We finally have some football to root for here at home. Please be kind and root for Kurt Warner and the AZ Cardinals. Hopefully they will not let us down.

So that is my list. I just want you all to look back on this year and think of the good, forget the bad, and make 2009 everything you know it should be. You have the power to live the life you want and you should never want anyone’s life but your own. I know I am enjoying mine, especially with the support and fun times with family and friends. Happy New Year and see you in 2009… hungover I hope. Remember, greasy meal, Gatorade, and Jamba Juice with a Vita Boost. Works everytime.

Walking Tailgaters = Rude

I have to be at work at the buttcrack. Not the buttcrack of dawn, so early I literally feel like buttcrack. I am up a tad before 5am in the morning and out the door by 5:45. I pull into work a little after 6 and since I have an awesome blue parking permit I get VIP parking. So I am getting out of my car this morning grabbing my lunch, workout bag, purse all while trying to not to fall over and lock my car. I see a dude, an older gentleman with an awesome member's jacket, lurking slowly past my car. It is a little too early to lurk in my book. So I start walking slowly behind, not in front so he doesn't focus on my girly bits. I walk slowly and keep a safe distance from the lurker because I hate tailgaters and this guy is walking very slowly. You know those people, tailgaters? I hate them. You are already walking fast but for some reason the person behind you is the speed walking champion of the world. They are so close you can almost feel their stinky breath on you and the clunking of their heels gets louder and sometimes you hear a sigh of annoyance because apparently you didn't get the memo on the speed limit minimum when entering into the workplace that day. I hate those people with a passion. Where they are going is no more important than where I am going so I refuse to be one of those people, even to creepy lurkers. When someone I am walking behind chooses to walk slower than I would like, I keep a safe distance so I do not implement that I am better and where I am going is way more important than where they are headed.

Being that I initially had a safe distance from him, I was shocked to see the lurky man step aside to let me pass him on our way to the parking garage stairs. I do this sometimes but I make it blatantly obvious to the people that tailgate me to show them that I know what they are doing and it is rude. I sometimes even couple it with a hand gesture telling them that I am allowing them to go by. "After you...arsehole of the universe. Sorry your life sucks so badly because mine is the bees!" Do bees actually have knees? I wonder...hmmm...maybe I should get in my time machine and go back to the 1920's to figure this out. Maybe bees have evolved since the phrase was created back then and bees with knees went extinct. Ponder for a moment... (Tangents, they happen.) Anyways, I pass the guy and I am heading to the stairs and the lurker starts walking super fast and tailgating me. Why!? Why did he do this!? He was going slowly and I was being kind and keeping a safe distance and then he starts following me, closely. I could hear the stomping of his Velcro pro-wings shoes getting louder as we headed towards the building Was he annoyed with me and was out for vengeance? Did he all of a sudden decide that he had something fierce brewing from below and needed to find a bathroom fast? Did he figure out he was late or was he being creepy and following me? He did this all the way into work. I about did the step aside but it was too early in the morning for me. I mean I had a cute pencil skirt on today but I figured it was too early for anyone to notice, let alone stalk me to the elevator.

How do you feel about walking tailgaters? What do you do when this happens to you? And what the eff was this dude's deal?

Meet Barry the cat!!!

Well, something pretty ironic happened. After posting about my fears of getting a cute and cuddly animal to add to my household, it made me want one even more. Knowing that I would never have the time or energy to get and train a dog, although they are my favorite in the "pet" category, I decided to look for a kitten. I work 11 hour days so there was no way a dog could stay alone that long, plus cats are very self sufficient.

Being that I am a dog person, the thought of getting a cat scares me. They creep around the house, act aloof, do not love and cuddle. These are all things that I do not like about cats. Dogs are always happy to see you and they follow you everywhere which I think is adorable. Knowing this, I always heard that orange tabby cats had the best personalities. Thinking back to the cats I have known in my life, I would have to agree. An orange tabby named Lucky used to always hangout at my sister's house. He would welcome her home as she drove into the driveway, he wasn't scared or taunting of her dogs, and he was known to occasionally come inside to say "what's up!” Then there is Derks. Derks belongs to very good friends of mine and he has earned the nickname of the “Ambassador”. People who generally do not like cats absolutely love Derks. He comes when he is called, he is excited to see you, and he plops right on your lap. So, I decided the search was on for my own little orange kitty.

Being that I have several friends and family who are big in animal rights, I knew that the first place to start looking for my new addition would be from shelters or rescue groups. I went on Petfinder.com and filled out the search for a male orange tabby (true orange tabbies are only male). To my surprise 3 popped up on the top of the list. They were 3 orange tabby brothers whose mom was saved by a foster mom. She was found preggo and she had her babies in foster care. I clicked on all their pictures and they were all so cute! I rapidly emailed the director of the rescue group, Fairytails. She got back to me right away and said that the trio was out for adoption at one of the Petsmart locations. I immediately grabbed my stuff and I was off. Petsmart closes at 6 and it was 5:15. Scared that they would all be adopted, to my surprise they were all still there!

The lady brought me into a small little room and let them loose. I have always heard the animal picks the owner so that is what I was going with. I was just going to simply sit there and see which one picked me. One of them completely ignored me. I do not think he even cared I was there. FAIL! The darker of the three came over to sniff me then got bored quickly and left me. FAIL! Then finally the smallest of the 3 jumped on my lap and laid down and started purring. BINGO! We have a winner. They were all cute so that didn't matter. From that moment I was now a cat mom.

My little kitty is adapting well to my home. He cuddles with me on the couch while I watch TV. He sleeps with me through the entire night, sometimes on my head. He follows me everywhere and watches me get ready in the morning. He is everything that I love in a dog! I will keep you updated on the little one, but as of now he is perfect for me 

The cutest thing ever!!

There are few things in this world that I would actually let live with me. Do not get me wrong, I love pets but for some reason I cannot commit to one. They are soft, cute, and loyal but they have hair, stinky breath and poop all the time. Wondering what I should do about this, since my first idea of just not feeding the pet so it doesn't poop got canned for obvious reasons, left me pondering my options.

People have mentioned that I should get a fish but they are just too boring and I feel like they are always looking at me. Someone else mentioned a turtle, but again, kind of defeats the purpose although they are pretty cute when they are munchin on some veggies.

So, thinking that all my options are narrowing until I can commit to the "big one", a kitty or a puppy, I found it! I found the perfect pet! It is smart, cute as hell, doesn't poop, eat, and it will even help me around the house. What is this glorious pet you might ask? It comes in the form of a tiny, environmentally friendly robot.! Yes, my friends, I am getting a WALL-E! I mean have you ever seen anything cuter? It seriously was love at first sight. I just wanted to reach my little hands into the TV and scoop him up on my lap. He even collects Sporks, my favorite eating utensil. Those people at Taco bell are geniuses. I wonder why the spork revolution never took off...hmmm... (pondering)....it is a spoon and a fork...a twofer. Awesome.

He loves to dance and sing. He loves to collect and fix things. His voice is the sweetest thing I have ever heard. He is the perfect pet! Plus, did I mention how freakin cute I think he is!? Seriously I almost cannot take it. By the 50th time he
said "EVE-A!" I thought my head was going to pop off due to cuteness overload. He is like a less annoying combination of ET and Number 5. Dude...that movie, Short Circuit, remember that one? 80's movies are so freaking retarded but fantastical at the same time. The only problem is, where do I get a WALL-E? Anyone? Bueller? ...Awe shucks! :(

What is wrong with you!!??

Okay, okay! I know it has been awhile since I have posted anything on here. Although, I do have a good excuse, I will try to be better about it. I was actually teaching my very first Master's level course so that kept me quite busy as well as I was just not feeling motivated by anything...until it happened. I know this has happened to you several times and every time it does you cannot help to think "What is wrong with you people!!!???"

So, there I is was experiencing my daily cube coma (cube coma: The state of physically being within the confines of a cubical at work but mentally being on a beach in the South of France while your hot cocktail waiter Jean Luc serves you champagne, making out with that hot dude from that one show, trying to figure out how they get those ships in those tiny bottles or why no matter what you do you still get that crap in the corners of your eyes.) When all of a sudden the trials of my morning coffee drinking had caught up to me...I had to pee. Most of you know that once I have to go, I have to go. I can hold it as well as a man with no arms trying to hold onto...well...anything. So I discreetly stand up and I was off to the restroom. Meanwhile passing by everyone and blurting out what an outstanding morning I was having and taking glorious compliments on my outfit for the day (they cannot help it, I dress really cute for work, no joke man). Then there it was, the door with the blue plaque and the stick woman, she knew what was up.

There is nothing I love more than walking into an empty restroom on a floor full of a woman. It really puts a smile to my face. Seriously, my life is that lame. So I pick my stall, not the first or last one and not the one directly in the middle to make sure I am not breaking any etiquette rules. I am all set to do my business and the creek of the door suddenly echoes through my peaceful bathroom. Whatever, no biggie but then the worst thing happened. The Miley Cyrus of annoying things. I mean you did not think it could get any more annoying than High School Musical and then Miley Cyrus somehow ceases to exist. What is up with her gums and her 80 year old man smoker voice? Creepy. Not only was I enjoying my alone time, but the person decides the best thing to do in an almost empty, 8 stall bathroom, is to choose the stall directly to my right. Really? Do you really have to share that much of yourself with me? Do you really think that this was the best choice for you in this moment in time? I cannot seem to understand why she would even want to have this experience with me when there were so many other options. You think this is bad enough...it gets even worse.

The toilet paper rolls in my work bathroom are super noisy. They clank and jingle while I am trying to get just the right ratio of toilet paper. It is a loud noise, so it had been told that when people are pinching off a loaf in secrecy, they use this noise to cover up any crude noises that might come from their nether regions. The problem with this is that when there is excess clanking and jingling coming from a stall, you know. Everyone knows. It basically puts a large neon sign above that stall that says "Noise Please. Poop in progress." while streamers, balloons and Whitney Houston's "I will Always Love you" blares out of the bathroom. The extra clanking has also been known to be coupled with the courtesy cough or on even rarer occasions, conversations on the telephone. My friends, family, and boyfriend all love listening to me as I get invaded by the poopachee tribe (poopachee tribe: the grumbly, crampy feeling that is sometimes associated with a hangover, drinking too much Starbucks coffee, eating at Heart Attack Grill or Filiberto’s that causes a sudden attack on your stomach similar to those in the 1700s between the Patriots and Native Americans...you had it coming. You polluted the land and killed the buffalo. Okay, maybe not a buffalo but your "land" is definitely polluted.)

So, my question is, what is wrong with you people!!!???" Why do people think that it is necessary to pick a stall right next me while they sing Christmas Carols with Hanky the Christmas Poo?
Not only that, why do they feel it is necessary to wait until they get to work to do their business. Are they short on T.P. at home? Did they eat a rotten bagel for breakfast? All I know is that there are some social norms and rules in the bathroom and one of them is that when there is only one person in the bathroom, you leave at least one stall in between. Guys know what I am talking about. This goes back to ancient times for them when urinals were just bushes. The caveman knew to always leave 1 bush in between or he got clubbed to death.

My friend, I ask you this, is there anything you can think of that is similar to this? Is there something that people do and you just have to shake your head and ask yourself "What is wrong with you people?"