Life in the Fug Lane

Do you ever have those days, weeks, or even sometimes months when you do not feel so hot? I do not mean that you are cold or sick, but that you just feel unattractive? I tend to think I am an okay looking gal but lately I am thinking twice about my initial thoughts on that. Let’s delve further.

I recently decided to color my hair darker. It is an all over hair color that is a mix between blonde and brown (bronde or blown I like to call it) but it just does not seem like me. My stylist did exactly what I told her to and she did an amazing job but I just do not think the color fits my personality and here is why: people have said that it looks sophisticated as well as very natural. Hmmm…I do not want to look sophisticated (unless it is those librarian types from the “adult” movies) nor do I want to look natural. I like the blonde highlights and the fact that it looks like I get my hair did. Is that bad? Plus I already know I am sophisticated lady. Bottom line is that I have an appointment next week to add some spunk to my look. Plus, my boyfriend said it looked the same color as my skin so I was growing skin hair. He is so sweet! He really is actually, but after me questioning my hair and after him telling me 50 times I looked beautiful I asked for the truth, and that is what I got. Hopefully this will help me feel a little hotter. Hair…check!

Next I am feeling a little pastey. Some of you may not know but I used to be an avid visitor of the tanning bed in high school, college, and even some time after. If you do not believe me ask me to check out my driver’s license. I look two gold chains short of a New Jersey accent. Not wanting to add melanoma to my list of illnesses, I decided to quit tanning as well as always putting on at least SPF15 all over when I am in the sun or at the pool. Now what do I do? I feel all like that guy from the movie Powder but without the whole mysterious thing going on, at least that made him cool. He even bagged himself a chick. I do not have that cute pinky-pale skin either; some people can get away without a tan because they have some other hues in their skin. When I am pale I turn a slightly yellow bland color that makes me look like I have Jaundice (I first misspelled this and spell check pulled up gonads, haha! Read that again and put in gonads. Ha!). I have that self tanner stuff but then I look all orange. What to do!?

Next, we will move to the wardrobe. If you do not already know, I just moved. I am getting my very own closet built, lucky me, but while the contractor is contracting I am living out of boxes. I cannot find anything! I managed to have a decent outfit on today but I didn’t even notice the side zipper on my dress broke so I was letting my good and tasty’s hangout all over the office. Not only that, I have not been shopping in months. I spend all my money on Mexican food and Britney Spears CDs. I am trying to save up to buy adult stuff like furniture, home décor, and a Hoveround. Maybe once I have all my clothes nicely hung up in my new closet I will feel better. In the meantime all I can find to wear is old boxer shorts, patent red leather heels, and a XXL shirt that I have been painting in that says Gilbert Arizona with a big flag on it. If that doesn’t make me feel pretty I do not know what will. I feel like the “mista mista” lady from Happy Gilmore.

I am hoping that once I start unpacking I notice that little elves have replaced all my old clothes with new ones. If that doesn’t happen I guess since I have not seen my clothes for awhile it will be like they are new. All I can say is that there might be a trip to the mall in my future.

Finally, I think I have gained a few. I thought I would have lost weight from all the moving and painting I have been doing but I guess eating chili cheese fries and strawberry shakes do not normally lead to weight loss. Plus, I am about to have pizza for the 3rd night in a row tonight, and I do not even really like pizza that much. When you are busy it is just too hard to eat healthy. I have emailed my personal trainer and I told him not to hold back during my workouts. So hopefully I will be bathing suit ready soon. I also started yoga-ing it yesterday. I have to say that I am pretty good for my first time in awhile. We will just have to see how bendy I become. Namaste.

So, basically I am feeling two kinds of fug these days. Do you ever have those days or weeks where you do not feel so hot? Do you have any ideas to help me out of my slump? I am destined to feel all kinds of hotness again!!

Happy Groundhog Day!!!!

So I was walking into work this morning with one of my friends and we realized that it was Groundhog Day. I do not remember really ever being excited about Groundhog Day, yet I am always curious if the little guy from Punxsutawney will see his shadow. I suppose if I lived in a place that was blanketed by snow I would care more but living in 70 degree weather in January just doesn’t constitute a real need for winter to go away. If it were up to me I would prefer this all year round instead of my face and butt cheeks simultaneously being melted off with the combination of the scorching leather seats in a car and the initial air coming from the air conditioner that mistakenly feels like the devil himself is breathing in my face. This reminds me of something, all of you kids from Phoenix will appreciate this. Remember the old school playgrounds with the metal slides and chain link
swings? What Einstein thought it was a fantastic idea to make a playset for small children made of metal when the heat in Phoenix reaches over the 110’s? …And why did our parents buy them for us? Hey hunny, why don’t you take little Jimmy outside to play on the swingset I spent 100 hours putting together from a million different parts for him. I think he really enjoys the skin being melted from his tiny arse and little legs.

Anyhoo, all of this Groundhog Day stuff got me thinking about a fantastic movie that was made in the 90’s called, ironically, Groundhog Day. This movie is very funny and every time I see it I still think each time he wakes up it might be, it just might be, February 3rd. But no, it is not, I shed a tear then laugh all over again because Bill Murray and his shenanigans crack my moose up. (Crack my moose up – my manager’s 5 year old daughter is super cute and came in one day and apparently I am ridiculously funny because she told me I crack her moose up. I loved that phrase so much that I stole it. I figure we are pretty much at the same maturity level.) It is kind off like reliving that horrible interception from the Superbowl last night. Every time I saw replays of Harris running the ball down for a 100 yard touchdown, I kept thinking the outcome might in some way be different. To my dismay it was not. (Poo on you Steelers! They play dirty and not in the good way…don’t mess with me Ward, I got your number!! What what!)

Well, it got me and my friend thinking about what happened to Andie McDowell? Remember her? She was in every romantic comedy for years. She always played the extremely unattainable average chick. She had poofy hair like Elaine from Seinfeld and a big gummy smile. (I have an issue with big gums. I know people cannot help it, but all the same, it sort of creeps me out.) Where has she been? I mean, she was not the best actress I have ever seen but it is weird that one second you are in every single movie then fall off the face of the earth. Andie McDowell where art thou? We are in need of your crappy underacting!!! Who do you think is this generation’s Andie McDowell? Kate Hudson? She is definitely a better actress and prettier…hmmmmm. Cameron Diaz? She kind of sucks…hmmmmm. Katherine Heigl? She’s alright…seems a little snotty but alright…hmmmmm. Only time will tell!

Happy Groundhog Day!!!