What is wrong with you!!??

Okay, okay! I know it has been awhile since I have posted anything on here. Although, I do have a good excuse, I will try to be better about it. I was actually teaching my very first Master's level course so that kept me quite busy as well as I was just not feeling motivated by anything...until it happened. I know this has happened to you several times and every time it does you cannot help to think "What is wrong with you people!!!???"

So, there I is was experiencing my daily cube coma (cube coma: The state of physically being within the confines of a cubical at work but mentally being on a beach in the South of France while your hot cocktail waiter Jean Luc serves you champagne, making out with that hot dude from that one show, trying to figure out how they get those ships in those tiny bottles or why no matter what you do you still get that crap in the corners of your eyes.) When all of a sudden the trials of my morning coffee drinking had caught up to me...I had to pee. Most of you know that once I have to go, I have to go. I can hold it as well as a man with no arms trying to hold onto...well...anything. So I discreetly stand up and I was off to the restroom. Meanwhile passing by everyone and blurting out what an outstanding morning I was having and taking glorious compliments on my outfit for the day (they cannot help it, I dress really cute for work, no joke man). Then there it was, the door with the blue plaque and the stick woman, she knew what was up.

There is nothing I love more than walking into an empty restroom on a floor full of a woman. It really puts a smile to my face. Seriously, my life is that lame. So I pick my stall, not the first or last one and not the one directly in the middle to make sure I am not breaking any etiquette rules. I am all set to do my business and the creek of the door suddenly echoes through my peaceful bathroom. Whatever, no biggie but then the worst thing happened. The Miley Cyrus of annoying things. I mean you did not think it could get any more annoying than High School Musical and then Miley Cyrus somehow ceases to exist. What is up with her gums and her 80 year old man smoker voice? Creepy. Not only was I enjoying my alone time, but the person decides the best thing to do in an almost empty, 8 stall bathroom, is to choose the stall directly to my right. Really? Do you really have to share that much of yourself with me? Do you really think that this was the best choice for you in this moment in time? I cannot seem to understand why she would even want to have this experience with me when there were so many other options. You think this is bad enough...it gets even worse.

The toilet paper rolls in my work bathroom are super noisy. They clank and jingle while I am trying to get just the right ratio of toilet paper. It is a loud noise, so it had been told that when people are pinching off a loaf in secrecy, they use this noise to cover up any crude noises that might come from their nether regions. The problem with this is that when there is excess clanking and jingling coming from a stall, you know. Everyone knows. It basically puts a large neon sign above that stall that says "Noise Please. Poop in progress." while streamers, balloons and Whitney Houston's "I will Always Love you" blares out of the bathroom. The extra clanking has also been known to be coupled with the courtesy cough or on even rarer occasions, conversations on the telephone. My friends, family, and boyfriend all love listening to me as I get invaded by the poopachee tribe (poopachee tribe: the grumbly, crampy feeling that is sometimes associated with a hangover, drinking too much Starbucks coffee, eating at Heart Attack Grill or Filiberto’s that causes a sudden attack on your stomach similar to those in the 1700s between the Patriots and Native Americans...you had it coming. You polluted the land and killed the buffalo. Okay, maybe not a buffalo but your "land" is definitely polluted.)

So, my question is, what is wrong with you people!!!???" Why do people think that it is necessary to pick a stall right next me while they sing Christmas Carols with Hanky the Christmas Poo?
Not only that, why do they feel it is necessary to wait until they get to work to do their business. Are they short on T.P. at home? Did they eat a rotten bagel for breakfast? All I know is that there are some social norms and rules in the bathroom and one of them is that when there is only one person in the bathroom, you leave at least one stall in between. Guys know what I am talking about. This goes back to ancient times for them when urinals were just bushes. The caveman knew to always leave 1 bush in between or he got clubbed to death.

My friend, I ask you this, is there anything you can think of that is similar to this? Is there something that people do and you just have to shake your head and ask yourself "What is wrong with you people?"