Bumper Stickers: A Dying Breed...Thank Goodness

It doesn’t seem that nowadays we see too many bumper stickers on cars unless it is an election year. I remember seeing all the “Bush is Lame”, “Gore did NOT invent the internet”, “Hilary looks like a man” and “Who is this Kerry guy anyways?” bumper stickers around. Okay, not really, I made those up but my point is that there is a better chance of seeing bumper stickers around elections. Why are people so open to share their political views anyways? I would rather talk about my bowel movements than what party I like to party in (Paaaw-tay!!). I think we forget sometimes that bumper stickers were invented to actually cover ugly booboos on cars. Fortunately for everyone, the world caught on to the fact that it actually drew more attention to the dent on the car. Hmmmm…who was the genius to finally realize that neon yellow smiley faces or Grateful Dead bears were attention drawing. By any means, the bumper sticker is a dying breed unless you include elections and teenagers trying to make their 1990 Geo Tracker look cool with band stickers and bunnies sticking their fingers in their noses. I am in no way dissing on the Tracker, I totally wanted one when I was 16. They were all small and teal with a super cool brushed purple logo of “Tracker” painted on the side. Sorry for the tangent. I tend to do that so bear with me.

I was driving home from work the other day and I saw a bumper sticker that I think is the absolute worst of all time. I know you have seen them, maybe you laughed, maybe you thought it was dumb or you may in fact looked at it as witty somehow. I did not. I looked at this bumper sticker and thought to myself “This is exactly the reason I do not like people.” It was not sexist or racist. It was not childish or offensive. It just plain didn’t make any sense. It was the bumper sticker that I cannot stand above all bumper stickers. If it had a name it would be Michael Moore that is how much I hate it. It said “My schnauzer is smarter than your honor student.” Really? Lady in the blue van, you really think that your little grey furry dog is smarter than somebody’s honor roll student?

Now I do realize that dogs are smart. I absolutely love dogs and I am all for people treating their dogs like children. I understand completely. They are cuddly and cute. They do not talk back or fight with you. They are loyal and in some cases they actually have jobs and help society. I am as big of a dog fan as the next person but I still think that is the dumbest bumper sticker of all time. Does she really think her schnauzer is smarter than a child? Is she that mad at those parents who are happy to support their children’s accomplishments? I realize that the school systems are not up to par these days, that is a whole other blog, but can you honestly say a dog is smarter than a child? I understand the honor student bumper stickers are annoying too but at least it makes sense.

So, what do you think of those bumper stickers? Do you have a bumper sticker that you see and think “that idiot really put that on their car?”

BTW-I am totally not down for the window stickers that list everyone in the whole flippin family along with dogs, cats, birds, fish and house plants. I love it when the entire rear window is covered with stick people because I was totally dying to know what all the names of the people riding inside the car were.

That is right up there with the “In Memory” window stickers. If something bad should happen to me, I do not want you to honor me by putting my name in old English on your low rider. I appreciate the gesture but I’m all good.

Zach Morris Rules...Or So I Thought

I have never considered myself very technically savvy so the idea of getting a cell phone like everyone else where you can download music, play motion sensitive video games, touch screen, email and internet access scared me a little. I barely knew what texting was a year ago and the T9 function took a couple of months to get used to. I was fine with my Zach Morris sized phone, or ZM for short. You know, the episode where Zach called Slater when he was up to no good and told Slater to meet him at The Max...oh wait...that was every episode. All the same, it was large which made it easy to find, it had rubber bumpers on the side so when I threw my phone in a fit of rage it would just bounce off the wall and most importantly it was easy.

My poor Zach Morris phone almost drowned this summer in the pool but luckily I saved it and after it dried out, it miraculously worked again. Ever since the almost drowning, the battery has barely held a charge. On top of that, my cell phone charger decided to act up. I would have to jam the plug in and tilt the phone just right to get a charge. I hated to admit it…but it was time for a new phone.

Since my company gets a 20% discount at AT&T I decided to start there. I looked at all the phones, all better than my ZM. Slidey ones, flip up ones, big fat ones, red ones, blue ones. I didn’t know what to do! I am already such an indecisive person that this is not a good situation to be in, especially when I have no knowledge about this kind of stuff. Then, peering around the corner, I saw it. It was like a ray of sunshine had broken through the clouds and it was shining on a phone…THE phone. I even think doves flew out behind it with Enya’s “Only Time” playing in the background. What was it you ask? The almighty iphone.

The thought of ever getting a cell phone of such proportions never crossed my mind in the least. What would I do with it? Who would teach me to use it? And the most important question the frugal girl asks is, do I really need this? The answer was yes. Yes I did need it. It was all shiny and cute. You just touch it and it goes to the internet, the real internet! Not some contorted form of the internet. I could play Elton John at a moments notice. I could play Mario Bros (1, 2 and 3) when my heart desired. At this time my friends, there was no turning back.

My little greedy fingers didn’t hesitate at the least to find my credit card. I could not wait any longer – I MUST HAVE iPHONE!!!! Then it happened. The evil man at the other side of the counter told me the worst news; I had to wait 2-3 weeks for my phone. What? Wait? Fine. It was totally worth it. I was going to take over the world with my awesome new phone. Muwahahahahaha!

The waiting was horrible. I felt like a possessive girlfriend. I would check the tracking number every hour to see if had been shipped. Then once shipped I would see where it was and what it was doing there. Then finally it happened. They called and my baby had arrived. Yippee!!

I took it out of the box and started playing with it immediately but I forgot one little thing, I know about as much about computer stuff as I know about being normal. Good thing I had people to help me. I love my new phone. It sings to me, it tells me the scores to the game and what time the movie is playing. It tells me where the nearest Starbucks and Mexican restaurant is. We play racing and guitar hero games together. We my friend, are in love. super duper love.

You may be wondering “Krista, what did you do with old ZM?” It took awhile to get over and a tear to say goodbye. Who am I kidding? No it didn’t. That phone sucked and this one is the coolest of all time!!! It is like when girl is so in love with a guy and never think she will fall in love again then the clouds part and Mr. Perfect arrives. Once Mr. Perfect is there you start forgetting why you loved the old dude so much. Why did I love ZM so much? Although it had its purpose, it was time to move on and I did just that. I finally knew what everyone was talking about. Although ZM will be missed, I hope you will all embrace iphone. I think you will like it as much as I do!!

Driving on a Donut = Loads of Fun

Most of you know that I had the fantastic experience of a flat tire on the 143 last Wednesday. I hate the feeling of your normally smooth, quiet car all of a sudden sounding like a 1978 Gremlin. Not knowing what to do and having nowhere to pull over I just kept on driving…and driving. This is probably not the best thing to do when you get a flat tire but I figured unless I wanted to get taken out by a stay at home mom on her cell phone with her 4 kids screaming in the back of the van, I should find a safe place to pull over.

If you have ever been on the 143 southbound you will notice that there is not much of a shoulder to pull over on. I tried to pull over as far as I could. Then of course I do what all women do, I called a man to come rescue me.

Once he had arrived I noticed that he too was practically still in the freeway so I told him to stay in the car. He was nice enough to call the police so we could have a cop, or highway patrolman if you will, warn traffic for the 5 minutes it would take to change the tire. The cop was very nice and helpful and I was appreciative that we had survived such a horrendous ordeal. (haha)

I now had the most radical thing on my car, a donut! Not only are they a scrumptious morning treat, they look ridiculously funny on a normal sized car. I will admit that when I am driving around and I see other people with a donut on their car, I giggle a little. It is just so funny. It is like when someone trips and pretends nobody saw them. But you saw them and although you feel bad for them, it is still pretty funny. Well, on Wednesday that person was me.

Knowing that I had a tiny tire on my car and cannot go much faster than 40mph it is really scary trying to pullout in front of cars racing to get home after work. I finally saw my window and slowly pulled onto the freeway, “donut style”. Then sure enough, there she was. A little nasty B that had to be all up on my donut. Could she not see that one of my rear tires was abnormally smaller than the rest? Not only that, I had my hazards on. She is riding my bum bum so close I do not even see the hood of her car and all I see is a young chick on her cell phone with arms flying in all directions gesturing me to hurry up.

If any of you know me, you know that this is not an ideal situation to put me in. My Italian temper combined with my distaste for valley traffic on top of a flat tire was just about enough for me to roll down my window and show this girl what I thought of her. I felt a lot better after that. Like I already didn’t feel dumb enough with the stupid thing on my car she had to go ahead and push me over the edge.

I did make it home safely and not too frazzled. Thankfully I had immediate dinner plans so my friend drove me to dinner and I had a drinky-poo to settle my nerves. So kids, the moral of this story is if you see a car going slow in front of you, please check to see if one of the tires is all Beetlejuiced, especially if their hazards are on. I do give you permission to giggle…as long as it is not me J

Fresh and Easy...I like to call it Not So Fresh and Lame-O

So, sitting at work in my little cubicle I always am immersed in listening to the “chick talk” in the office. There are many great conversations that are going on around me but being a food lover I tend to gravitate towards the ones involving food. I overheard a couple of women in the office talking up a new grocery store I have seen called Fresh and Easy. You may have seen them; they are now popping up everywhere. The new CVS if you will. One day there was none, and now there are about a billion. One of the women was saying how magnificent this place was and how fabulous she thought it was. This reared my curiosity to new levels. Although I do not understand conversations about low fat diets, Pirate Booty or vegetables, I do understand the universal language of saving a buck.

I get flyers in my mail every week from Fresh and Easy and they always include a coupon for $5 off of $20. Being the coupon lover that I am, I cut them out save them but have yet to use them. Already curious about this new place, I got a flyer with a deal for a grill pack for $4.99. I am the most frugal person I know so reading that I could get 8 pieces of chicken, 4 hamburger patties and 4 Italian sausages for that price I was knocking down people in my apartment complex to drive to buy these so called grill packs.

On my way to the store I was thinking of all the glorious meals I could make with the grill pack. Chili cheese burgers, chicken casseroles, spaghetti and sausage! The possibilities were endless. Not only that, if I spent $20 I would save $5! This is the frugal girl’s dream. What I learned was that it was not so fresh and not so easy.

Pulling up to the store I grabbed a cart and noticed that the place was no larger than a Walgreens. Although the parking lot was empty, the place was full. It was full with everyone else who wanted the coveted grill pack. When I walked through the automatic doors, David Blaine style, I saw it. What was staring at me was an empty refrigerator bin where the grill packs used to be. It was staring at me, taunting me. I had that screechy music playing in my head like when Al Pacino or “Tony” if you will, saw his sister dancing in the club in Scarface. I know how marketing works and I realize that they do this crap to get people to go into the store. That is all good but you have to impress them once they are there. Not build up there hopes and dreams of all the meaty goodness one could ever want for $4.99 and crush them.

Since I get over things fairly easily, I snapped out of my meat loving rage and decided to check the place out since I was here. I mean I still had a coupon for $5 off and that is still pretty awesome. Filling my cart with some necessities, all more expensive than Fry’s and not Fresher or Easier, I decided to check out. Instead of cashiers, all they have is a bunch of self checkout stands. This, again, is not easier. Standing there, checking out my own groceries I noticed that I was all done but my total was only $18.74 and I needed it to add up to $20 to use the coupon. Shit!!! I ran from my stand and grabbed the first thing in sight, a bag of onions and can of pinto beans. I did not need this crap? I hate onions. Stupid store.

Thankfully my experience was done. I left feeling a little violated like I just got locked in a closet with a clown and we somehow switched outfits in the dark. All I know is that there is a reason I do not consider myself a normal person because I generally do not like things that everyone else likes, thank goodness. I in no way liked this place and everyone in the office just raves about it.

Bottom line, Fresh and Easy sucks Monkey nads.