The cutest thing ever!!

There are few things in this world that I would actually let live with me. Do not get me wrong, I love pets but for some reason I cannot commit to one. They are soft, cute, and loyal but they have hair, stinky breath and poop all the time. Wondering what I should do about this, since my first idea of just not feeding the pet so it doesn't poop got canned for obvious reasons, left me pondering my options.

People have mentioned that I should get a fish but they are just too boring and I feel like they are always looking at me. Someone else mentioned a turtle, but again, kind of defeats the purpose although they are pretty cute when they are munchin on some veggies.

So, thinking that all my options are narrowing until I can commit to the "big one", a kitty or a puppy, I found it! I found the perfect pet! It is smart, cute as hell, doesn't poop, eat, and it will even help me around the house. What is this glorious pet you might ask? It comes in the form of a tiny, environmentally friendly robot.! Yes, my friends, I am getting a WALL-E! I mean have you ever seen anything cuter? It seriously was love at first sight. I just wanted to reach my little hands into the TV and scoop him up on my lap. He even collects Sporks, my favorite eating utensil. Those people at Taco bell are geniuses. I wonder why the spork revolution never took off...hmmm... (pondering)....it is a spoon and a fork...a twofer. Awesome.

He loves to dance and sing. He loves to collect and fix things. His voice is the sweetest thing I have ever heard. He is the perfect pet! Plus, did I mention how freakin cute I think he is!? Seriously I almost cannot take it. By the 50th time he
said "EVE-A!" I thought my head was going to pop off due to cuteness overload. He is like a less annoying combination of ET and Number 5. Dude...that movie, Short Circuit, remember that one? 80's movies are so freaking retarded but fantastical at the same time. The only problem is, where do I get a WALL-E? Anyone? Bueller? ...Awe shucks! :(

What is wrong with you!!??

Okay, okay! I know it has been awhile since I have posted anything on here. Although, I do have a good excuse, I will try to be better about it. I was actually teaching my very first Master's level course so that kept me quite busy as well as I was just not feeling motivated by anything...until it happened. I know this has happened to you several times and every time it does you cannot help to think "What is wrong with you people!!!???"

So, there I is was experiencing my daily cube coma (cube coma: The state of physically being within the confines of a cubical at work but mentally being on a beach in the South of France while your hot cocktail waiter Jean Luc serves you champagne, making out with that hot dude from that one show, trying to figure out how they get those ships in those tiny bottles or why no matter what you do you still get that crap in the corners of your eyes.) When all of a sudden the trials of my morning coffee drinking had caught up to me...I had to pee. Most of you know that once I have to go, I have to go. I can hold it as well as a man with no arms trying to hold onto...well...anything. So I discreetly stand up and I was off to the restroom. Meanwhile passing by everyone and blurting out what an outstanding morning I was having and taking glorious compliments on my outfit for the day (they cannot help it, I dress really cute for work, no joke man). Then there it was, the door with the blue plaque and the stick woman, she knew what was up.

There is nothing I love more than walking into an empty restroom on a floor full of a woman. It really puts a smile to my face. Seriously, my life is that lame. So I pick my stall, not the first or last one and not the one directly in the middle to make sure I am not breaking any etiquette rules. I am all set to do my business and the creek of the door suddenly echoes through my peaceful bathroom. Whatever, no biggie but then the worst thing happened. The Miley Cyrus of annoying things. I mean you did not think it could get any more annoying than High School Musical and then Miley Cyrus somehow ceases to exist. What is up with her gums and her 80 year old man smoker voice? Creepy. Not only was I enjoying my alone time, but the person decides the best thing to do in an almost empty, 8 stall bathroom, is to choose the stall directly to my right. Really? Do you really have to share that much of yourself with me? Do you really think that this was the best choice for you in this moment in time? I cannot seem to understand why she would even want to have this experience with me when there were so many other options. You think this is bad enough...it gets even worse.

The toilet paper rolls in my work bathroom are super noisy. They clank and jingle while I am trying to get just the right ratio of toilet paper. It is a loud noise, so it had been told that when people are pinching off a loaf in secrecy, they use this noise to cover up any crude noises that might come from their nether regions. The problem with this is that when there is excess clanking and jingling coming from a stall, you know. Everyone knows. It basically puts a large neon sign above that stall that says "Noise Please. Poop in progress." while streamers, balloons and Whitney Houston's "I will Always Love you" blares out of the bathroom. The extra clanking has also been known to be coupled with the courtesy cough or on even rarer occasions, conversations on the telephone. My friends, family, and boyfriend all love listening to me as I get invaded by the poopachee tribe (poopachee tribe: the grumbly, crampy feeling that is sometimes associated with a hangover, drinking too much Starbucks coffee, eating at Heart Attack Grill or Filiberto’s that causes a sudden attack on your stomach similar to those in the 1700s between the Patriots and Native Americans...you had it coming. You polluted the land and killed the buffalo. Okay, maybe not a buffalo but your "land" is definitely polluted.)

So, my question is, what is wrong with you people!!!???" Why do people think that it is necessary to pick a stall right next me while they sing Christmas Carols with Hanky the Christmas Poo?
Not only that, why do they feel it is necessary to wait until they get to work to do their business. Are they short on T.P. at home? Did they eat a rotten bagel for breakfast? All I know is that there are some social norms and rules in the bathroom and one of them is that when there is only one person in the bathroom, you leave at least one stall in between. Guys know what I am talking about. This goes back to ancient times for them when urinals were just bushes. The caveman knew to always leave 1 bush in between or he got clubbed to death.

My friend, I ask you this, is there anything you can think of that is similar to this? Is there something that people do and you just have to shake your head and ask yourself "What is wrong with you people?"